Jordan

  Just as a matter of statement, I'm moving my blog:  http://excelforward.blogspot.com

That's about it.  See you all later.

  So, I've been thinking of something recently that is a bit odd, even for my line of thinking.  I've been doing a lot of reading over other religions, accounts of personal religious experience (shamanism, Zen buddhism, catholicism), and it's got me thinking about the nature and gender of God.  A had a bit of an interesting revelation yesterday:  my perception of God(dess) is similar to Zen buddhism's Mu.  Mu is the force of life within everything, it is what makes up self-sustaining and whole.  To that end, I don't necessarily view a god that is omnipotent and omniscnent constantly staring us down for our sins... no, I think God is a force (while certainly perhaps sentient) within everything living, and perhaps many natural unliving forces as well.
  That being said, God is merely a name I give this proposed being.  No, while the name may be masculine I view this God(dess) as hermaphroditic.  I began making a mental image of this being in terms of a human body.  The phallus would replace where the clitoris is, and where the scrotum would have been is instead a vagina.  The hips are wide, the thighs and calves muscular.  The shoulders are wide, and placed in the middle of the chest would be the breasts.  The belly is swollen and impregnated, a continual process of giving birth and a continuation of life's primordial sources.  The face is neither male nor female, with a high brow, high cheeks, a thin chin and wide lips.  This creature, while confusing and perhaps embarrassing to those of us with merely one gender may fear this, but within his/her grasp lies all birth.
  The reason I use the term male and female is because if I were to use the term "it", that would denote that she/he is too far from human to grasp. No, certainly far from unreachable this creature is found within nearly everything (most man-made items aside) that can be found. 

Enough religious banter, just something I've been thinking for a few days.

  It's been nearly three weeks now.  Torn asunder, split apart, and oh-so-carefully stitching myself back together has kept me quite busy as of late.  I'm finding things out about myself that I understood so well that I wasn't even aware of them.  Funny how that works.  One thing I'm working on currently is my anxiety. Something I never really realized until the other day is just how anxious I get when I am left waiting.
  Something I also never realized is how much plans mean to me.  I think it's simply because I feel that plans create order, and especially now am I craving order in my life.  Our friendship is strong, the kisses magnetic, the sex nearly mesmerizing... but time and time again I find myself in such love without love.  "Why not share something so beautiful with friends", I once retorted to him when justifying my previous sexual encounters; now those words have been turned towards me with intentions pure as snow.  I've been fooling myself in that I had fallen out of love, as it were.  
  Worse yet, in some ways, I'm loving this one more than previously thought.  In other ways, this love has taken a new form.  Like a virus it has pervaded me, hiding latent in my cells only to explode and replicate when the opportunity seems right.  I suppose it will be another few days before I manage to staunch this bleeding and clean myself up.  Something I will have to accept is that I do love him, and it means more to me than I had thought.  What confuses me is that he, too, loves me as well.  The space between is further than any ocean might hope to achieve, yet less than a kiss' length away.


Perhaps this is yet another chance to grow, and I certainly will not be wasting this opportunity.  "Waste not, want not" are words I have (as an uncertain member of western civilization) always thought were wonderful and utterly disregarded.  I will survive this.  As one person said to me when finding out about this: "You probably cried for a few days, woke up, realized that life will go on then picked up your pieces and moved on."  

Good lord I never thought one could be so weary as I am.

  I opened this site up for the one whom I think needs to see it the most right now.  Unfortunately, as open as a person I am, I also am a very private person.  I don't always share everything.  For better or for ill, this site is my more or less unfiltered profanity and thought.  I do tend to lose meaning to my rhyming occasionally, but I hope the translation is a good one.  Too anyone else who has read this, I hope you as well have a better insight into my consciousness... especially since so much here is directly from the head.  

Ç'est La Vie, I suppose.

  I write to you today, being the grim reaper of my life as I know it.  Like Zeus, the thunderbolt has been launched and I've been torn apart from my other half.  Not by gods or fate this time, but merely by decision.  A decision I don't believe will be undone as I have believed in the past.  The reason is because I have not given up, but he has.  In a move not unlike the rest, he has taken his pawn and checkmated my king.  I say this because this move, like all others, has been a delicate but forceful move.
  Not intentional, and not without regret he said the words that like a thunderbolt has rent my mind asunder.  As usual, I write this not for pity or to explain to others, but more to explain it to myself what has occurred. I'm not truly sure I understand it.  I guess one party's happiness is not necessarily the whole's happiness.  
  I'm not sure what I will do now.  I really just want to wake up next to him and for it all to okay again, just like all the other petty squabbles.  This time, I fear, it will not end so cleanly.  I told him the truth this evening, the truth that all I wanted was to grow old together but he did not move from his stalwart position; nor did I ask him to.  I know why this is, I understand it, even if I do not sympathize with this emotion.
  He fears he has not changed in the past three years, yet I know he has... just in ways I cannot explain.  I feel as though this time he is merely proving to himself who he is, which in reality he isn't fooling me.  I know he's a good person and unselfish, even if he unconsciously does things that make things unfair for others (generally me).  He says he doesn't want to be in a hollow relationship, and for this I thank him.  Why I have apologized to him so profusely this evening I cannot say, as I feel like this time I've done no wrong.  Perhaps this is simply me blaming myself for a situation in which I had no hand.
  I cannot see how I don't play a hand it, but he assures me it is that I am not at fault.  I feel as though my sins in the past have coagulated into a force, rather like many pebbles creating a tsunami.

  Let it be said that I will not waiver, and that I will be damned if I don't move out of the country.  He knows this, and while we may not go together as lovers, we will still go together.  Mostly, confusion riddles me now.  What do I do?  How do I manage?  Where do I place my time?  Oh gods of the internet, explain to me now, what shall I do?

  The trauma portion of this week's earlier events is still haunting me.  What sucks a bit more is that Robbie's temporary reprieve in work stress has now come back with a vengeance.  On top of that, he's suffering through a bit of seasonal depression which is making life a tad annoying.  I'm just ready for this b/s to be over and done with so I can figure out what my next move is before I'm checkmated.

  On the plus side, chaos and irritation causes me to crave order in my life so I tend to zone out and clean.  I did eight loads of laundry tonight and the house is nearly spotless.  Yay stress.

  So, last night was an interesting one.  I'm now rather tired and minus one vehicle.  So, evening was working out fine, just a normal evening at work.  Things got awkward when I had a young girl (aged from about 16-18 or there abouts) mention that she was running away. At first Mike and I thought "Oh, being sarcastic because she has a huge backpack" and sort of laughed about it, but the more I got to looking at her and thinking about it, the more I realized she was being serious.  At one point she asked for my phone, and when she handed the phone back she said "Good, my friend's dad is gonna let me stay with them tonight."
  At this point I'm faced with a rather difficult decision: Call the police about a runaway, or let it go.  After about an hour or so of my dilemma, I decided to let the girl go.  I sat down and talked with her for a moment, encouraging her to return to her home and work things out as it's usually much better.   I told her that I should have called the police, but I know a lot of b/s goes on when runaway comes into question...and she was rather ill-prepared to truly run away.  In hindsight, I probably should have asked her if she wanted me to call the police for her, but I didn't.
  It was really painful in a lot of ways, simply because I have a bit of baggage in my past with bad family moments and wishing to escape.  After she left, I asked one of my coworkers if I made the right decision, and after a few minutes of thinking, responded that he would have probably done the same.  The one very nice thing that was a sort of off-color comment was he was glad I was closing, and not one of the other shifts.  His reason?  I'm not abrasive, but I still get things done that need to be done like that.  It was actually a really good feeling.
  So to the trauma portion of my evening.  For most likely the first time ever, I took a drink home with me when I left work which is where this all began.  I'm driving down Illinois St., not two blocks away from work when I look down to set my cup in the cup holder.  I glance up just in time to see that there was a dark green Jeep parked on the side of the street that I'm gonna hit. I didn't even have time to react ( which was probably a good thing as I could have made it worse ), and smacked it full on.  My car hit the side of his bumper, veered back and tapped his front driver's-side tire and came to a halt.  
  Climbing out, I notice two things: A.) His car isn't badly harmed, B.) Mine is.  My passenger-side door is popped open, the right side of my hood is pushed upwards and there is a load of plastic hanging out on the ground.  Thankfully, my car was still able to run and there were no fluids leaking.. but it was otherwise pretty immobile.  The good and bad of this is that my air bags deployed so I didn't smack the steering column, but in doing so probably doomed my car.  From what I understand, air bags cost about $1,500-$2,000 each... so when those go out they usually total your car.  
  Thankfully, the guy whose car  I hit was extremely nice, and was the manager of the Noodles & Co. in Broadripple.  I think part of the reason was the fact that it wasn't his car I hit.. it was a company car.  All in all, I'm okay, his vehicle isn't terrible, and I now have a $20 coupon to Noodles & Co. in Broadripple (who is awesome enough to do that when you hit THEIR car?!)  I suppose I'll survive as it isn't too terrible.. I just could use a bit more sleep.  Though, all in all, I had to have a moment of humor:  When they said "Don't drink and drive." I don't think they meant Starbucks, but I guess that counts as well.

  So, while as much as I have enjoyed it, an era of my life is now over.  No, not the love life- after the last post we finally sat down and had a conversation.. a much needed one.  One of the outcomes of fore-mentioned conversation is that we gave up World of Warcraft.  While it's only been maybe three days, I'm feeling better than I have in ages.  I feel like I have time again...
  As much fun as I had, WoW was an addiction to many degrees.  I have some great memories of playing with people, but I feel like I'm regaining some control over my life (though it may be short lived due to school).  I have time again!  I can sit at home and read books, watch the History Channel, clean the house!  So many frivolous things that had been lost on me for such a long time!
  Hell, I sat catching up on that philosphy book I've been neglecting for months and throughly enjoying it.  Once my brain started to ooze from it's shell I went and cleaned up the kitchen.  Little things that normally would be considered unnecessary or a waste of good grinding of time are now taking over and I'm loving it!  Things I've accomplished thus far have been to set up my laptop for school, go through my music collection and update it, get caught up on a bit o' reading, and clean up the house.
 
  On top of all this, Robbie and I both fixed dinner the other night together.  I realized how little true time we've actually been spending together, and it's a good feeling to finally sit down and just make a dinner with the other. I know this might have been a bit redundant, but hey... I'm enjoy it.  Time to take back my life.

  It appears Pavlov has rung his bell, and here I am foaming and frothing waiting for my next piece of kibble.  A skeleton from my closet has decided to open the door to his cage and set himself free again.  In doing so this person has regained all the glory and glamor in my eyes as was once.  The good of this is that it brings back wonderful thoughts and feelings I thought as dead as our friendship; the bad is that in doing so it also compromises my current thought processes and loves. 
  I am in desperate need of advice in this.  In kindling this near-dead (or so I thought) flame, my dusty skeleton of a man has made me realize how low the oil on my current lamp is.  While I'm certainly not stupid enough to try and switch candles this late in the game, do I wait it out and weather the self-induced storm... or do I consider walking the corridors of my life in the dark for now?

  What I need is someone to talk to right now.

Warning:  What is ahead is a spilling of my thoughts over into words as they come to me. 

I suppose what they say is true:  when life is uncertain, your relationship suffers.  While I don't mean to bitch, all the same your life is miserable sometimes when you and your partner don't get along as well as usual.  I suppose the recent opposite-work schedule, overworked, holiday-confusion, not-sure-if-he'll-have-a-job-in-February stress takes its toll.  I wasn't kidding when I was talking to someone the other night and said, "Ya know, relationships are wonderful.. but they take a lot of work."
  Of course, in my opinion, little in the world that is free is truly worth having.  I've struggled for a good portion of my life, whether it be with school, work, relationships, or myself.  I'm in a happy place that I'm unwilling to give up unless completely forced to, and even then I will give all to keep it.  I know the next coming years will be a trial.  I know the next rest of my life will be a struggle.  I'm perfectly okay with this, so long as I am happy, and I am myself.
  "To thine own self be true" are fantastic words.  Truer words have probably been spoken, but none to my knowledge, and none that ring so true as now.  I know these words are true now:  I am myself.  I am strong.  I will persevere.  I don't know if I believe in an afterlife, so I do everything I can to hold onto the things I hold dear.  There is no future, no past, only now.  Each moment that slips by is another moment that we will never have again.  I'm okay with this, as there's nothing I can do with it.  Call it the casuality of life, I guess.
  To those who stand with me now, I thank you.  To those who have in the past, but now I've left behind, thank you.  To those yet to come, thank you.  The problem with those words is that unless you hear me say them, or feel me say them, they have no significance.  I love and damn the english language at times like this as they make it impossible to be truly heartfelt on cliche'd  words and jumbled sentences.

   Call it a complex, if you will, but I view myself a soldier at times.  Not a soldier in the military sense, or in the conformity sense, but one none the less.  I have no Crusade, no Direction, but I fight on nevertheless.  I will fight on to live, to love whom and what I can, and more importantly, in the minute fear that if I give into what I perceive is wrong that I will suffer for it later.  While I have little belief in a god, I have a fear for Karma.  Not even future life Karma, but a Karma that will come back and kick my ass yesterday for what I do tomorrow.
  They say God is wrathful, but they also say S/He is merciful. I think that It is only as bastardly kindly as you are.  Those who fear God fear themselves.  They fear their thoughts, their actions, and fear they do not meet their own expectations.  This is true for myself, as I live in perpetual fear of letting myself and others down.  I know this weakness, so I exploit it into a strength, as is the best thing to do with these things.  If I take my weaknesses, claim them, and accept them, I can do nothing else but to  use them to my advantage.
  I will use my own perceived failures as strength to force myself to do better.  There will be times, as there have in the past, that I will push myself to far and nearly alienate those near me... but that again is part of this.  It is another chance to learn.  To live is to learn, and I mean to learn as much as humanly possible.  To anyone who actually made it this far, I give you many kudos as you've just heard the core of my religion.

Good luck, all.

  Well, it looks like I spoke a bit too soon when I posted about not having the seasonal depression.  While I definitely don't think phase is going to be a bad one, it reminds me that it's out there.  While, most assuredly, these depression bouts aren't the most wonderful things on the planet, they do allow for a certain amount of introspection that I normally do not possess.  The most recent batch of thinking has me wondering why it is the human condition allows us to think about the way things could be... even if the way things are currently are probably better than the other outcome. 
  I suppose that I'm being a bit vague in this respect, so let me elaborate.  Basically, why is that we can think of the way (and possibly almost wish for this outcome) had our pasts taken a slightly varied route?  I mean, in all honesty, what is the point of this function?  Is it a side effect of our brains being able to chart out current situations and give us insight into those outcomes?  Most likely, in my opinion.
  Another thing that makes me wonder... is which would be worse:  A life with no memory at all, or a life where the only memories you keep are the horrible ones?  Probably the latter, but if the only thing you can think of with the no memory complex is that you have no memory... you'd get nowhere.  You'd be unable to progress any further than the idea that you have no memory.  At least the horrible memory one, you can do your best to improve your situation, so that in the current scheme of things you at least have a happy time, even if you are doomed to forget those later.
  Well, at any rate, writing this helped to spill the thoughts that were brimming in my head-cup, and helped to release the pressure of them.  They say writing is therapeutic, so here's to it?

  Well, it's finally over and done with.  I've moved.  Rob, Eric, and I all moved up a little bit in the world... or at least in square footage, which I suppose in some minds equates to maturity.  While it definitely took about 10 days worth of packing, moving, scrubbing, unpacking, moving pets, moving furniture, and complete and utter chaos in my life, it was completely worth it. 
  On another note, school starts here in about 45 days or so, and I'm freaking out.  I'm incredibly excited, I just need to remember to get some student loans so I can actually pay for my stuff.  I feel like with the move and with school, life is moving into a fantastic new area.  But... then again, two and a half years of living in squalor eating garbanzo beans and chili powder for lunch was what was needed for me to  reach this point.
  On a third, more interesting note (at least to myself), I seem to be taking this winter really well thus far.  Normally by now I've had a few weeks' worth of seasonal depression, and thus far I think I've had two day's worth.  I think it has something to do with the fact I have stuff to look forward to, I have projects to work on, and I feel like I'm going in a positive direction.  Whatever the cause, I'm certainly NOT going to bitch as I enjoy actually being able to get up in the morning without feeling like sludge.
  Fourthly, and finally, I've been rather amused lately when thinking about others' perceptions of myself.  This applies more at work than anywhere else, but people that meet me generally are rather surprised when the find out that I read quite a bit (and not just mindless drivel, at that), that I enjoy tattoo work and tattoos, and that I'm really not the good little all-American geek boy that many find me to appear.  I had a conversation with a co-worker over liquor, which eventually turned into a conversation over illegal substances.  He was quite surprised to find out I've smoked various substances ( His exact quote was, "C'mon Jordan, we both know you've never done that!"), until somehow I proved that it wasn't that big of a deal and he just sort of accepted it.  All in all, I sort of enjoy the front that I put up... if only to then drastically alter people's opinions of me when they find out what I truly am like.

That's all for me. 

-Jordan

  Something I've never really understood is why I have such vivid dreams that others would consider terrifying or frightful, yet they generally don't bother me all that much.  Sure, I've had a few that I wake up go "Oh shit!", but mostly I just wake up and go "Oh, that was odd".  Of course, then again, in my dreams I rarely have bloodbaths and decapitations running amok. Mostly if I have a "nightmare" it's generally simply an emotional journey. 

  I suppose, all in all, dreams are simply our bodies telling us our biggest woes, worries, and fears.  Mine apparently are fears of loved ones dying, and voodoo girls. *shrug*

      I'm curious to see how life is going to be these next four years.  I'm at the cusp of this mountain, barely at what could be considered the base.  I've made a long climb thus far just reaching this place, and even that has been at times tumultuous.  Will I make it to the top of this?  Will I be as Sissyphus, continually rolling my stone up the hill to have it slip from my grasp?    How do I appear to an outsider?  
      The truth of the matter is that I'm terrified.  Terrified of a mistake, of a slip-up, or even a missed footstep.  I feel as though so much is in my grasp, but will I have to let that bird go to get those two in the bush?  People keep reassuring me that things will be fine, and I know in the end that they will.. it's just the process frightens me.  I know self-confidence is not my strong suit, and worrying tends to take over my mind at times and send me reeling into places I'd prefer not to go. 
     I know this is something I have to do- something I even want to do.  I'm so apprehensive of this whole decision-making process that I'm not sure which way is up, down, or even left to right.  I'm feeling now somewhat akin to a poor stick-drawn man being introduced to our Z-axis playing field where there is more than just a few places to go.  All I know right now is that I should.  I should go to school, I should work, I should try my best, I should stay in this relationship, and I should remember to breathe.  I'm reaching out to nothing right now, as I have no steadying force by my side at this moment as ideas and thoughts are not corporeal enough to give me the strength I need right now.
     All I pray is that he stays here by my side.  I know he will, so long as I do my part as well.  I think the part I am so afraid of right now is the length of time that this will take.  Four years!  Four years of my life will be behind me before I know it, never to be again.  The movement of time has always been something that caught my interest.  The slippery slope of time and is always sliding behind us, even as we read and write this now.  Seconds, seconds, always slipping through our fingers leaving us with wrinkles, aches, and hopefully more than a few good memories.

    So, dear reader, please take what all has been said with a grain of salt.  While it is all true, this is what happens when Jordan needs an outlet and his thoughts come a-pouring out.  So, like the presidential hopeful I have in mind, I believe it is time for change.

  My upstairs neighbors are officially the biggest asses on the planet.

I am throughly convinced they have either a cracked-out, caffeinated 300-lb. child running around in their apartment, or they just simply love the sound their stomping makes overhead my bed at 7AM.  Bastards.

  I need focus on working on my writing skills again.  That means I need to start blogging a tad more than I used to (which shouldn't be too hard).  Soooo, here goes:

Today actually went fairly splendidly despite the miserable wet it had earlier promised to be.   Went and looked at engagement rings (Holy shit!).  I found out that doctors are much harder to get appoints for than previously thought, but c'est la vie, my knee can wait a few more days... it's waited three months as is.  Other than that, this personal update comes to a close... with the knowledge that I need to go to bed, since I need to be at work at 5AM tomorrow.  Yurk.

  Well, for the passed 3 years, we've had very few opposite interests.  Now it seems that our interests are diverging a tad, so we find ourselves doing different things?   A good thing perhaps?

  How should one feel after three years of happiness, but still have regrets of unfinished business in what seems like a previous life?  Some days I feel like I should learn from every experience, and I do truly try, but there are other days where my woes and worries of the past come to haunt me.  Today I believe, is one of those days.  There is a particular individual with whom I wish to speak, even though I know they won't be a portion of my life again.  
  I feel ashamed for some of the wrongs I have committed to this person, and I truly wish to tell them face-to-face, however many miles separate us.  The one lie I've told this person was not a small one, of one that was of quite a large consequence.  Whether this person knows this secret truth is not the problem; the problem is that if they know, it was not of my doing.  I find myself over three years now from telling this lie, but it still pains me to a degree.  While perhaps this secret would be nothing to another, to him, I believe it would finally fracture what little semblance of a friendship we may hold.  
  To this person, while I know you know nothing of this blog, I truly wish you did.  Nostalgia, of nostalgia, how you make our hard feelings and somehow soften them.  How sometimes wonderful you are.  How sometimes ruinous you are, as well.  I speak to you as a person, Nostalgia, of whom I feel like I could call by first name.  You rear your ugly/beautiful/desecrating head many times in these shadowy months, no matter how I may try to ward you off.  Yes, this is about regret, but this is also about learning.
  There are many, many lessons that I need to learn in time, however I will probably not learn them all before my all-too-soon death (to me, one hundred years from now would still be all-too-soon.)  To another person who knows me much better than he should, I once had the words "I worry about you/You always seem so sad." given to me.  While I failed to say it at that time, those words were sharper than any knife could possibly be.  All the same, sometimes you need to lance a boil, and I believe that it was those words that helped to heal a festering splotch on my otherwise (hopefully) cheerful demeanor.  
  All I can say is that I can hope, I can heal, and I can learn.  Those are the things that keep me motivated to move, rather than stop and let my mind decay.  To those of you reading, I hope those three things also can help you move through your life, as they helped me through mine.  So, here's to my stone slowly cantering it's way down the hill, ne'er stopping to gather moss.

  Well, I've worked out pretty much every day for about the past week and a half and I've lost about 5 lbs.  Not that I really truly needed to lose the weight, given I am a scrawny little white boy, but it does make me feel better about myself.  Not only that but I ran about three and a half miles yesterday and even though by the end of it I had to walk (In my defense, I did sprint parts of it to catch up with an old lady on a bike.), I'm not sore today.

  As I've said in previous posts:  I think I like this.

  Perhaps it's been the fact that I've been working out these past two days, and actually eating very well... but I woke up at 8:30AM this morning... refreshed.

As in I'm not tired in the slightest right now, without the use of caffeine.  I think I like where this is going!